Being a goalie mom is hard. And I mean HARD! I would assume it is the same for soccer goalie parents, but I can only talk about being a hockey goalie mom. My kids tried soccer once and that was all it took to make sure they didn’t do that again. Goalie parent is a club I never thought I would be in, but I am just nutty enough to love it.
Goalie Crazy Started Early
When my oldest started playing hockey, his friend was a goalie. They were 5 years old and adorable. He was a natural defenseman. At 5 years old, with no hockey training or experience, and only playing cross ice games, he was always defending his goalie. At first, I thought it was because she was a girl. However, as he got older, all of the players he loved were defensemen. He just naturally gravitated to the position. I am always so proud of the way he treats his goalie.
Like Greyson gravitated to being a defenseman, Kellen was a goalie before he could walk. He would see Greyson with his little net in the house shooting foam balls, and Kellen would crawl in front of the net to try to keep them out. When he started house league, they didn’t want goalies. They wanted all the kids to play and the coaches would serve as “goalies”. Kellen would skate away from the puck. Sometimes, he would find other ways to entertain himself, like running himself head first into the boards. I considered getting him tested after that.
One day, the coach just gave up and let him stand in the net in his regular gear. That was all it took. Suddenly, my bored kid was wide awake, aware of the puck, and ready to go. He knew where his happy place was, the rest of us were just slow on the uptake. I still had no idea what I was in for. I just thought it was cute and I was so happy that he had found something he loved. He was 4, and if you are a goalie parent, you know that his personality is pure goalie. INSANE!
We have been at this hockey thing for a little over 6 years now and the one thing I can say is that goalie parents are also a different breed. I think you have to be bananas to watch your kid stand in front of flying saucers being shot at him or her and keep signing the little lunatic up for another season, year after year. After all these years, I have narrowed my fellow goalie parents down to two major types.
Behind the Glass Goalie Parent
The Behind the Glass parent is more common with younger goalies. This parent is the one that looks like she is chasing the Publisher’s Clearing House Prize patrol between periods. She is most likely carrying the GoPro with the suction cup so she can video her baby in the net for every game (and sometimes practices). I don’t know why they need to do this, but I assume it is footage that they plan to play at little Sarah’s wedding in 20 years.
This dad will stand right behind his little goalie, frequently beating on the glass to get his baby’s attention between stops and trying to scream his brand of coaching through the glass. “Go Baby!” “Drop Baby!” “Stay Up Honey!” You can replace “Baby” and “Honey” with any name in the book. I can promise you, this parent, will have their face planted up against any crack between the glass panels trying to make sure their voice is heard over their baby’s inner voice or heaven forbid, the coach’s voice because clearly they are wrong.
Unfortunately, this causes little Joey or Sarah to always be looking for mom, too. They are so used to mom being there to cheer them on, or give them coaching, that the focus is not on the play, but rather mom and if she saw what he just did or the goal that just went in. The thing is, you can’t stop a puck unless you are looking at it, and unless mom’s face is on that puck, these little goalies are too busy checking in with mom to know what is happening in front of them. Come to think of it, maybe pucks with the goalie’s mom’s face would improve the game. I’m calling USA Hockey right now. I am sure they will agree.
Let me be clear, I am not here to parent shame. You can hockey parent however you want to hockey parent. I am just saying that maybe you can let the game be their game. You are not playing or coaching. Let them have fun. Come sit in the stands with the rest of us. Have a drink or a coffee or one of those Irish coffees that are mighty popular at the rinks for obvious reasons. Cheer from the side, and make sure you tell them what a great job they did after the game. If you really need to tell them about every move they made during the game, you can rewatch it on your GoPro video over dinner. I am sure they would love nothing more than your step by step replay to let them know where they are failing. Eight year old kids really enjoy that.
I want to clarify that this is not just limited to goalie parents. The rest of the parents can be caught doing the same thing, just from various parts of the glass. Kellen still plays half ice hockey. One day a week, he plays a few short games back to back. The team bounces back and forth between the two sides of the ice. I sit in the stands at center ice and never move. Well, maybe to pee or up my caffeine intake, but other than that, my seat is my seat and once it is warmed up, I am not moving.
I can see the entire ice from that spot. Just like in a professional game, which is why center ice is the most sought after seat in the NHL. I never once thought about buying a seat at each end. I could make sure the goalie could hear and see me, just in case he needed moral support. Do you think Fluery would appreciate my input?
Sitting in the middle gives me a unique perspective between games. I suddenly know what sitting on the center median during rush hour would look like. Everyone hurriedly grabbing their blankets, coffees, and Hydro Flasks and rushing to the other side so they can get a good spot that Johnny can see them. I am sure I did this when I first started as a hockey mom, too, so no judgement here. Besides I am always pleasantly surprise to have a seat right in the middle, so thanks for that.
Too Stressed to Move Parent
Let me start by saying that this is usually your more experienced hockey parent. This parent is too tired to stand behind the net, they are going to sit down, and once they are down, that’s it. They are not getting up for a drink, popcorn, or even to pee. If they did stand up they just might faint. They don’t really care who is sitting next to them as long as you are stupid enough to talk crap about their kid. Let me give you a little warning, you have never seen a mama or papa bear like a goalie parent. Talk crap about our kids and even if we agree, you and everyone in the rink is going to know what we think of you.
You know that AC/DC song that goes, “the walls were shaking, the earth was quaking”? Pretty sure the guy that wrote it pissed off a goalie mom and watched the glass fall down around him. Listen, even if my little guy decides to lay down and make damn snow angels during the game, don’t you dare say anything. Shut the hell up. I can say whatever I want about the little freak, and you can agree, but don’t you dare blame him for losing the game.
This parent is too busy praying, wishing to the stars, and internally wishing the puck away from their kid to pay any attention to you. They are probably not going to search you out to sit by you. These parents will sit where they know they can see both ends of the ice, and possibly where they know they can run if the need to. This parent is very likely on the verge of tears or a heart attack watching their goalie. They know that no matter what, even if the team under preforms and their goalie absolutely kills it, their kid is going to blame themselves for that one missed shot. If the goalie doesn’t blame themselves, there is a great chance that the team, the coaches or another parent will.
You can talk to this parent, but if it is during the game, they probably are not listening to you. As a fellow hockey parent, you have one job if you are near this parent. It’s the same job you have if you are sitting next to any player’s parent. Your job is to cheer their kid on. No matter what happens on the ice. If they make a great play, cheer them on and give mom or dad an excited, “Did you see that?!?!”. If they have a terribly play, the appropriate response is something like, “Nothing they could have done about that!”.
A Little Bit of Everything
In the end, every goalie parent has to try to figure out which parent they will be. I am probably a little bit of both of these, though you won’t see me standing behind my goalie or running back and forth between periods, but I am not above loudly reminding my little goalie that I strongly prefer that he keep his ass in the net when he decides he wants to skate into the corner with his teammates and the other team.
Whatever goalie parent you decide to be, just remember, you are the parent, and not the player. Just keep loving the view from wherever you decide to hang out and try not to kill a dumb parent who wants to blame the game on your kid. Who do they think they are anyway?
