I had a good run and now it’s done. 5 years ago when my oldest was starting school, I decided I wanted to be a good mom and be involved as much as possible. That is what I was supposed to do, right? I volunteered for everything; room mom, fall festival, copy maker, fun run, teacher appreciation lunch, you name it. I joined the PTO Board (similar to a PTA only it’s own non-profit with no national support) at the end of my first year at the school. Now, after 4 years on the PTO Board, holding the positions of VP of Volunteer Coordination for 2 years, VP of fundraising for part of one of those years and Treasurer for 2 years, I am officially just another mom.

Last year when I tried to leave, I was suckered back when no one else signed up for my position. What kind of a person would I be if I left the poor little kiddos without a PTO because they couldn’t fill the job of Treasurer? (Insert eye roll emoji here) So I was elected again knowing it was not going to be the best idea. I wasn’t wrong.

I am not here to say that you should not be on the PTO/A or how terrible it is. One of the people I once served with said to me after it was all over that when everyone is working towards the same goals it is a wonderful experience. I can’t think of any better way to put it.

People join these types of organizations for a lot of different reasons, some, like me wanted to be engaged, wanted to help with whatever we could and genuinely wanted to make sure that the kids had what they needed in order to have the most incredible experience possible. My focus was primarily on the kids. The group that was in place when I started all had a very similar mindset, and while we may have had different ways of getting to that point, we were all driving to the same destination.

Others join because they want to make sure the teachers have what they need and are happy. I can see value in that especially when these two become intertwined. However, when it becomes so teacher focused that you find yourself buying teachers lunch every month, and birthday gifts begging businesses for donations so you can gift the teachers wine it becomes excessive. I never felt great about that. I always want to support the teacher’s goals, but I don’t think $4,000 spent on lunch improves a child’s educational opportunities. Although, I think I would personally need to have a little wine to make it through the day with 30 ten year old kids.

There are some who think that we are there to serve at the pleasure of the principal, and carry out their wishes. This one I have distinct issues with, especially when those wishes don’t appear to benefit the teachers or the kids or they don’t align with what the teachers feel they need. Others are doing it because they are bored or need to fill their egos with a title. They have no intention of doing anything to actually move in any positive direction. I think these are the most difficult to work with because they aren’t there for any particular purpose and you spend a lot of time trying to drag them along with everyone else.

When the entire board is in the same mindset, and all focused on one thing, truly amazing things can happen. I remember my first year feeling so accomplished, and really believing that all of the extra work I had put in, and hours I had spent volunteering, and endless meals I had missed with my kids and money I had put into the school had really made a difference. I was incredibly proud of the work we were doing. Even when we didn’t agree, it was still so fulfilling to see the smiling happy faces of the kids. In those moments, it was all worth it. I planned to be on the board in one capacity or another until my youngest was out of elementary school.

This last year was different. It was not a positive experience for me, and I don’t think it was a great experience for anyone else. There were tears, yelling, and the principal was not supportive of anything we were trying to do. Then the school experienced a severe reduction in their rating and the parents were blamed. Of course, this made them disinterested in supporting the school in any way. To make matters worse, the school was experiencing what I think is being uncovered to some extent everywhere. Racial issues impacting children and their voices going unheard. All of this created an incredibly uncomfortable environment for the PTO Board members. They inadvertently become the face of the school and frequently heard the complaints for the school even when they honestly have no impact on the administration of the school.

You see, PTO and PTA members are really just fundraising to provide needed items to the school and the kids. If they have an incredible relationship with the administration, they may have an ear. What they cannot do is change policy or culture. Most parents who are not on the board, don’t realize this. The input really is incredibly limited. However, parents tend to put blame on these groups, where it quite frankly does not belong.

This last year was tremendously challenging for everyone on the board. In fact, the majority of us making the difficult decision not to return. Some are not returning because they moved due to changes in their lives unrelated to the school. Some because the school had become so detrimental to their family that moving was the only option for their children. Then there was me. I just said no, no more. Only two out of 6 board members remained on the board this year. They are incredible people who have a far thicker skin than I do. I could not fight that uphill battle any longer. No matter how guilty that made me feel. Regardless of how much of a failure I thought I was for not wanting to stay, it was the right decision for my family.

As much as I love so many of the people I met because of the PTO and I enjoyed being engaged in my kids education, I can confirm that being on the board while holding a full time job, a part time job, volunteering for other organizations and having two kids in hockey, my time was so thin that I was not actually engaged. I was just working and did not get to really participate in my child’s education like I wanted to. So now, I am a PTO dropout. Don’t get me wrong, I still plan to volunteer. Now it will be in the classroom (if they will have me) and at events I am really excited about.

There is no telling how many events I have worked while my kids were off having fun doing something else. This year that stops. This has been an incredibly thankless job. That is the nature of volunteerism. You don’t go into a volunteer position for the accolades.

If you have kids in school and there is a PTO/PTA, please, don’t think of them as a clique. Don’t think they just want your money or time. They do, but that is not all they want. Think of them as parents, just like you. They are trying to be engaged and help the kids get everything they should have. Please stop and say thank you! You don’t have to volunteer or even donate. That simple “Thank You” may be the bright spot in that mom or dad’s day/week/month/year. Believe me, they take a lot of crap from pretty much everyone, and just keep on doing it. As for me, I will be dodging those volunteer emails while having a play date with a glass of wine… as often as possible and enjoying my retirement.